You are a Silver Boomer if you can identify with being single and are age 50 and older. It’s great that with nutritional education and medicine, people are living a lot longer than ever before. If you are like many people out there, you don’t want to grow old alone. Whether you are seeking a relationship, a dream lover, or travel companion, getting back into the dating scene can be tough. If you haven’t been out in the dating scene for awhile, you’ll soon realize that a lot has changed since your college years.
If you are a Silver Boomer, you might have more baggage now. Maybe you’ve been divorced once, twice, or three times. Maybe you have overbearing children who wants to know your every move. Maybe you are very set in your ways; you know exactly what pleases you and what does not and are not comfortable getting out of your creature-of-habit zone. Maybe when you go out on dates, you are constantly comparing your current dates to your previous spouse. (Yikes, if you do that, you need to do things with your dates you’ve never done with your previous spouse so you can create new memories).
Fortunately, there are ways of making your Silver Boomer dating years less stressful and more successful. Here are 10 tips:
1. ONLINE RESOURCES: It’s a great resource! Where else is there such a great community of singles looking for other singles? If you don’t have any computer skills, now is the time to invest in a class to get up to speed. There are other organizations and sites you can seek out and join to meet like-minded singles (Meetup.com, amazingsingles.com, etc)
2. CHANCE ENCOUNTERS: Some great places to meet singles are at a supermarket, friend’s dinner party, art gallery, mall, playgrounds, and church. If a friend extends an invitation to something, anything, you need to GO! The invites will stop coming if you always say, “NO.”
3. REBOUND CAUTION: Be cautious of singles just out of a serious relationship or marriage. Hopefully they have been single for at least two years. You don’t want to date someone who jumps into a relationship with you because they are afraid of being alone.
4. SAGGING BODY PARTS: As you get older, things start to sag a bit, it’s easier to gain weight, you might be taking medication, and you are not as active as you used to be. Accept people’s bodies for what they are. Hopefully you will focus on finding something physically interesting in the other person and it will become attractive to you.
5. CONVERSATION: Great discussions and interesting points of view are more important in this stage of the game than ever. Brush up on your funny stories about your grandchildren, think about a great destination you would like to travel to and why, and share experiences which relates to your date’s interests (music, art, philosophy). Don’t talk about your problems or sound negative on the first few dates.
6. AGE APPROPRIATE DATES: Don’t date people who are a lot younger just because it makes you feel younger. It’ll look ridiculous when you are among your peer group. A good rule of thumb is to keep your date within 10 to 15 years of your own age and that will increase your odds of the relationship working out.
7. FIRST DATE PLACES: Meeting for coffee, lunch, or dinner is always a safe bet. Pick a hole-in-the-wall restaurant which is quiet enough to have a conversation without yelling. If you don’t have some key places in mind, you better start scouting for them. (Men: Always have a place in mind before you call her. Try to stay away from chain restaurants and be a little creative. “I-don’t-know, where-do-you-want-to-go?” is very unattractive.)
8. MEETING A FRIEND MENTALITY: Take the stress out of this so-called “date” by having the mentality that you’re just meeting a new friend for the first time. Be yourself, but the nicer, positive, and friendly version. (It’s okay to admit that you are a little nervous and a little out of practice. Your date will most likely appreciate that you have real feelings and emotions.)
9. SEX: Not on the first date! If you have sex on the first date, it will most likely be a one night stand. After you get to know someone and it’s a mutual decision, then go for it. It’s okay to admit that it’s been a long time for you. It’s normal for you to feel awkward and vulnerable during this stage of your courtship.
10. HAVE FUN: Dating is tough at any age, but it’s best to remain positive and learn from each date. Don’t get discouraged if you go out on three bad dates in a row. There just might be three great dates right around the corner! No one is perfect, but they might be perfect for you!
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Baby Boomers are utilizing the internet for dating more than any other age group. Some of them report great success while others have dismal experiences. As a psychotherapist who works with life transitions, I offer these thoughts to help improve your success.
Baby Boomers have different goals and needs than the younger folks using dating sites because they are in a different life stage. Understanding these differences can make your experience of midlife dating more enjoyable.
1. Boomers have had prior love relationships—usually at least one marriage. This changes both perception and expectation.
2. Boomers have built a life and are looking for someone with whom they can share it.
3. Rather than being “upwardly mobile,” Boomers usually are enjoying the fruits of their youth.
4. Boomers have developed strong belief systems—what they value, what they believe and who they vote for.
5.Boomers are looking for someone to share the hard times as well as the fun times. They know that life is short, people get sick and die, pensions can disappear and the unexpected happens.
By taking sometime to explore what kind of relationship they REALLY want at this stage in life, Baby Boomers are less likely to set themselves up for disappointment.
Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC
Author “Profileactics: A Guide for the Prevention of Ill-Conceived Personal Ads
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